Here’s the thing, I’ve been thinking about things that are most important to me, my priorities, what I really want out of life, out of me, and I just really need to pen everything down.
At the end of the day,I just reallyreally want to to be myself. I know its cliche, and I know saying it doesn’t make it any less of one, but yeah. That’s what’s most important to me. I know I may not be the smartest person, may not be the brightest lightbulb in the box, but I do know that I’m not completely rubbish at everything. Yes, my GPA is quite screwed, especially considering I’m in RGS and all. But one of the things I’ve learnt through my experience of failing Math and Bio, is that nobody is good at everything. Actually, very few people are really good at more than one thing.
I know that being in RGS means that all you see are people who easily ace their exams, people who complain about how low their 3.77 GPAs are. But I told myself when I got my EOY GPA, that in the future, my results will cease to matter. I’m not saying that you should fail everything and be a dropout. I’m just saying that you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself you know? Just figure out what your passion is, what you envision yourself doing in the future. Put everyone else out of your mind. Don’t think about your parents, your friends, all the ex-Rafflesions who come to give speeches at Founders’ day. Think of you. Close your eyes, and think about what you’ve always loved doing, what you will love doing. Be good at that thing. Really work your ass off for that one discipline that your mind always wanders off to. For me, it has always been English. Put your heart and soul into studying for them, because not only will your self esteem spike when you become good at it, you will also ensure that you have a successful future in front of you.
You have to work hard at other things, of course. And it sucks, it really does. I mean, you have no idea how much I want to be rid of Math in my life, but to get to where I want to be, to be recognized, I need to do decently in everything, and spectacularly in some. If that means I have a 1.6 GPA for Math but a 4.0 in English, so be it. But I know this isn’t my best, I can do better. I’m not being hard on myself, I’m just setting goals for myself, to reach my fullest potential, so that I can get to where I want.
Sometimes, I lie in bed and wonder what if I don’t earn big bucks in the future. What if when I come back for school reunions, and I see people leading businesses and leaving a trail of excellence behind, when I just trudge up to them in my jeans and teeshirt. What if their kids get sent to Pat’s Schoolhouse, and my kids just go to PAP? Then I realize, that as long as I’m happy, its okay. As long, as I feel that I’m being true to myself, I’ll be fine. And thats the biggest giveaway that I want my children to have. Because that’s what my parents gave me. I want them to be themselves, to be free. I don’t want to tie them down to expectations and pressurize them into becoming someone they aren’t.
I think of me, in a powersuit, rushing to my meeting. And I think of me, in my sneakers and jeans, sipping coffee in a quaint cafe, twiddling my pen between my fingers and smiling at the latest book that my publishing agency brought out. Its clear which one I prefer. I know I’m probably being idealistic, and unrealistic maybe. But I have faith that I will figure it out. I just have to work at my writing, work at keeping my mind open, work at maintaining my personality.
Because as a writer, as an editor, you are completely useless if you’re just like any other person walking past on the street. You have to be different, you have to be unique. Your special perspective and creativity is all you’ve got. You need to bring THAT to the table. For that, I need to stop being so.. Mindless about things? I dunno, I think I need more posts like this actually. So I can be sure of the person I am. My personality has been fading ever since I stepped out of Primary School. I have no idea why, probably the age and the need to fit in I suppose. But if I don’t hang on with all my might now, it may be lost forever. I don’t just want to be the girl with the crazy Indian parents, or the girl who loves Harry Potter. I mean, these things are a part of me, I agree, but I like to think I’m more than that you know?
I’m not going to change for anyone. I’m going to let people love me for who I am, always. This is a promise I’m making to myself. I’m the girl who has a list of favourite words saved in her phone. I’m the girl whose favourite alphabet is D. I hate words like Kembangan and phlegm (man was that painful to type) I hate raisins, I love plums. I hate biscuits, Ferrero Rochers (sp?) My favourite flavour of ice-cream, my comfort food is Häagen–Dazs cookies and cream. I love silly romantic comedies, I love cheesy lines. I cry over books and movies all the time. I attract drama, I’m a total drama queen. I help random people on the bus, when they don’t have money to pay the fare. I share my umbrella with strangers. When I’m lost, I always ask a lady with kids for directions. I am a total daddy’s girl. My brother is definitely one of the most important people in the world to me. I cry all the time, for stupid reasons, and I need people to tell me its gonna be alright. I scream and shout and throw random fits for no reason, but I calm down pretty fast. I’d do anything for people I love. I’m deeply cynical and judgemental, really trying to change this at least. Fiercely protective. Insecure. I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes, brush my teeth, pour myself a glass of orange juice through a filter because I hate pulp, take my battered books, and read in the hall. I wash my umbrella, because I’m scared its dirty after the rain. I say stupid things sometimes because my brain works faster than my mouth, so I say things like ‘talken’ because I started to say ‘talked’ then decided to say ‘spoken’ instead. I’m needy, but demand for space. I adore The Beatles. I really want someone to make me a mix cd. I want my life to be like a 90’s movie. Unreasonable, stubborn. I’m completely impossible.
But that’s me. You see, this is me being a drama queen again, but yeah. I don’t want to fit a mold, just wanna be me for me. You can appreciate me and love me for who I am, and I’ll give you all I have in return. Sure, I’ll mess up, but its never intentional. Never. I’m just foolhardy and hasty, say stupid things all the time. But if you need me, I’ll be there. If you expect me to be your idea of perfect, you’re my idea of annoying, and you can leave. I don’t need you, and frankly, you don’t need me either.
I have no idea why I’m posting this at 1.08am, when I should clearly be sleeping, but yeah. I needed to get if off my system. I know I get preachy sometimes, but believe me when I say that sometimes, I just like to hear myself talk (type?) why else have a blog right?