So I’m in the bus now, going home (yeah it’s really late my mum is gonna screw me up) and I had a htht with Emiline. Feel damn miserable now and I need to just write everything down so I feel a little more at peace.
I think I’ve learnt how to differentiate my really good friends from my superficial friends. Like I know not to open up randomly to people I don’t trust all that much. But sometimes even people you thought were your best friends let you down. I think what hurts the most, even now, is how you could fling words so easily at me when I could never find it in me to hurt you. As angry as I am, as hurt as I am, I could never hurt you because you mean that much to me. I’ve played the role of your protector so long, shielding you from all the pain the world has to offer that it’s impossible for me to be the one hurting you.
Logically I know that things change; that I cannot expect a prominent role in your life, but I guess I thought our relationship would survive the whirlwinds. Being the one who is putting in effort all the time is draining and exhausting. When the effort is not reciprocated or even appreciated I just feel so downtrodden and dejected.
The biggest decision right now is whether I should hold on and keep trying or finally let go and let you fend for yourself.