Disappointment

Okay I’m in a messed up mood right now, so don’t expect anything optimistic. I’m feeling completely on edge, like something really bad is going to happen, and I’m here hoping that everyone I know is gonna be okay.

I think this year, I really disappointed a lot of people with the person I am. I guess I didn’t turn out to be all that perfect after all huh? I was always supposed to be the nice one, the moral compass, the sensible one, the one who never makes mistakes. But I am not that person. I try damn hard to be, thats true. But I’m not. I make mistakes. A lot of them. And really bad ones too. In the last few months, I think I’ve made quite a few people’s lives sad and hard. And it SUCKS it really does cause these have been the people I’ve tried so hard for so many months trying to protect. And its how I went down. Trying to protect them. I’m not trying to be a martyr or trying to get your pity, I guess I’m just trying to figure it out too.

I was never ever fake with any of you. Never. All my concern, all the words of support and encouragement that I gave you; they were all true. Every last word. Please don’t ever doubt that. I did care about you, and I still do. Its just that I haven’t lived up to your image of me, and I’m not sure what I can do now to fix it. I don’t think I can. Some days I’m okay with it, some days I’m not. I miss it. I miss what we used to have.

I have friends, but I miss the ones that I’ve lost. I hate the awkwardness that has settled between us. I still keep your notes in my wallet, and I get teary eyed whenever I see them. Because everytime I see them, see your words, I just feel disappointed. I feel so angry with myself for letting you down. For not being the person that you thought I was. For not being.. A good friend. I am sorry, I’ve said it before, I meant it, and I still do. I should have never done it. I never meant for it to hurt anyone, I know its hard to understand, but my intentions weren’t bad.

Ugh I’m a mess now. Sometimes I see things online or I watch my shows, and all I really want to do is squeal about them with you, but I think I lost that right. I lost the right to check up on you or call you when I feel down. I think I lost the right to be your friend. And it sucks. I guess I deserve it.

I’m sorry.

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