Okay so basically, if I could name one huge thing that happened to me this year, it would be how I lost my idealism. I used to be a pretty idealistic person, hoping and believing in the best of people, and always giving them chances after chances after chances. No more.
This was my post from May this year: Limiting Kindness. It was me pondering about whether I should keep on being myself; giving myself away completely to people; putting 110% into every relationship that I maintain; going out of my way to make sure people are happy. People told me not to change. But you know what? Me staying that way may be wonderful for you, may be wonderful for everyone around me. But its not so wonderful for me. I often end up being the person who tries more and nothing stings as much as finding out that the other party just doesn’t care as much. Its downright frustrating and demeaning.
So I’ve decided to shed my idealism. Finally stop doing so much for people because I always always always end up feeling shitty.
I have concluded that idealism is like a bad pair of contacts. Its like you’re looking into a pool, and you think you see this amazing person, who is everything you ever wanted in a person BUT its just a bit blurry. You keep throwing everything you have at it, hoping at least some of it will bounce back, but no. Everything just keeps falling into the pool; sinking, sinking… Then you take them off and you find out that the person you’re looking at is just a reflection of what YOU are, all your aspirations and dreams and revered personality traits. And once you take that away? There’s nothing left. It just makes you blinded, you don’t see people for the awful people that they are, instead you form a picture of who they can be, who you want them to be and THAT messes with everything.
So yes, this is me giving up on people. They are just awful and horrible and selfish and fake and this world ruined the hopeful, optimistic girl that I once was. THIS WORLD BROKE HER. Now I am bitter and jaded, and I don’t want horrid people to come and tell me that they wish I wasn’t so BECAUSE YOU ARE BEING SELFISH THIS WAY I AM HAPPIER IS THAT SO BAD HUH YOU BROKE ME OKAY THIS IS BECAUSE OF YOU.
There are people, friends, who have proven to me time and time again that they are wonderful, true people who will be there for me through it all, and trust me guys: you are all going to be receive exactly what you have been receiving all this time from me. Because you give as good as you get <3
But the rest of you? S-C-R-E-W Y-O-U.