Some Nights

Wow okay, blogging after a really time, but I have had a really bad two weeks and as always, I’m turning to blogging to get it all off my chest. Don’t expect anything coherent though.

Last week, I was really pretty depressed because it kinda hit me that there is no point in making long term plans because they almost never work out. I’m always more optimistic than I should ever be about the future of my relationships and I guess its just really depressing. Hit me pretty hard last week because it just keeps happening to me over and over again. I’m always so sure that there’re exceptions in my life, but these exceptions end up leaving too and I’m just left here floundering. Rationally, I know I’m better off without these people in my life, and I’m perfectly capable of getting along without them because I have amazing friends who love me, but it still hurts once in a while when I’m reminded of the times we had together.

This week, I’ve been having a heck load of nightmares. Other than my dose of cat dreams (the incident really scarred me) I’ve been having dreams about failing my As and disappointing my parents. Dreams where my friends leave me. Dreams where I stumbled into some old acquaintances outside and had a conversation where they pretty much ripped me apart. Woke up crying and hyperventilating way too many times.

I have a habit of pushing things that bother me to the very back of my mind. There are a few select issues which are bothering me intensely now, but I don’t confront them in the daytime because I know I’ll just end up crying and miserable, so I think they resurface in my dreams. I know I should be facing them head on but they are all reasons for my insecurities and its too painful to acknowledge them. And I don’t have it in me to talk about it to anyone else.

I’m really so terrified when I think about As. There’re so many things I want to do but I fear that they’ll just end up being unfinished dreams; future resentments. Plus, I can’t even imagine having to tell my parents that I didn’t do well for my exams. It’s really important to them that I do well, and there’s no way I can let them down. All the pressure is just building. I know I should always be looking forward but I can’t help but look back on all my previous years of academia where I’ve let myself and everyone around me down. Over and over again. Regardless of whether I try or not. And it’s one of the hardest things ever, to keep doing so badly in an environment where doing moderately well comes effortlessly to so many around me. At the end of 5 years in Raffles, I can say that my self-esteem when it comes to my abilities is pretty much mangled. The confident, self-assured primary school me is completely lost. After under-performing so many times, and with everyone telling you indirectly that you’re basically a loser, I have little faith in myself. I know it’s bad, and I’m trying my best to keep up my morale and keep working hard, but it just gets hard sometimes.

My birthday is coming up in about 6 days, and I really don’t have a good feeling about this one. I’ll just be reminded of how I’m 18, and still nowhere close to achieving any of the expectations I have for myself or that my parents have for me. Reminded of all the people I lost. Nothing makes me feel lonelier than my birthday sigh.

Also, today I realised how much I have been broken. I am now completely jaded and afraid of trusting people. I feel like once you get to know someone too well, you will find out that they are not who you expect them to be, or they end up affirming your fears. Or you end up repressing all your vibes about them, and in the end they leave, and you end up feeling like a total fool. I guess you broke me. You came at a time when I was vulnerable and you told me to be myself and trust in people and then it ended up being a farce. When you ended up treating me just as badly as everyone else did, I just broke. So now, I don’t know how I can trust people with my feelings. I give myself away too completely, too easily, too quickly.

Unfortunately people rarely think I’m something worth protecting.

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