Outpouring of Sadness

Having one of those nights when I’m just depressed as heck. I feel so sad and I’m just really thankful that I have my  brother next to me right now (even though he is obliviously posting some mushy thing on his gf’s fb) because tonight is not a night to be alone.

I feel like over the past few days, everyone has changed so much. It’s like I came back form India to a whole new world. My friends are all distant and I can’t help feeling like nobody cares about me. I mean, I know they do, like if I went up to them and told them that I was upset they would care, but everyone’s too caught up in their own lives that I feel bad to go to them. I don’t even know what I’m doing, feeling this awful at this time of the year. I have my exams coming up in 102 days, I do not have time to mope around and feel sorry for myself.

It has gotten to the point where I’m just miserable all the time. So much so that my relatives in India are actually worried for me, cause the happy-go-lucky girl that they knew is gone. I basically only have three moods: stressed, depressed and distracted. I don’t even remember when the last time I properly felt happy was.

It’s just hard because school is shit and I feel so alone in all of this. I don’t feel good enough for anything and I constantly feel like I’m letting myself down. My thoughts and fears and insecurities are eating me up on the inside and there’s nobody I can lean on and fall apart on, because everyone is falling apart right next to me. I need someone to be strong for me right now, and I just don’t have the luxury. I feel so pathetic to need my friends so much, when they obviously have their own lives to tend to, so I’m going to stop.

This entire post is just self-pity and misery but it’s exactly how I feel at this exact moment and it sucks that any 18 year old girl should feel this way.

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